introduction: Stuck in Vegas
Early Spring 2021
Part 1
My name is Sam, some people call me Samwell. I am from New York, and in 2012, I came to Las Vegas. As I look back on the past 9 years, and its various chapters, some decisions makes sense, and others don't. But one fact has become abundantly clear. Its time for me to go home.
I'm not exactly sure how it will play out, I don't have a plan, at least nothing concrete. But, as I move forward, it seems important that I keep a record of my thoughts. This will be part blog, part ongoing saga, part retro-active journal, and in some ways, simply the best therapy I can afford. This is a journey, or, rather, this will be a journey. However, as of now, I haven't physically moved. Not yet.
I am in Vegas. I'm not at a club, or in a casino at a card table. There isn't a hotel in sight, and the only bright lights are coming from the screen on my desk. I have been here since 2012 and in that time, I have experienced this place from different perspectives and social positions. However you envision my life here, at some point you probably would have been right. The rest of the time, it was either way better or horrifyingly worse than you could possibly imagine. Perhaps I'll dive deeper into those chapters as the journey continues. Yet, as I look around my home office and out the window to the suburban landscape, it all seems so unremarkable. Removed from the glamour and spectacle, free from the social pressure to act a part, this may as well be any sleepy strip mall monolith of the American dream incarnate. Its the kind of place where they bring you ranch dressing unprompted and pick-up trucks collect cliché bumper stickers.
“What brought you to Vegas?”, is a question I'm asked every so often. “A big fucking U-haul”, is one of my go-to answers. Another is to sigh, shake my head and say “a lifetime of poor decisions”. Both are true, and although I cant decide which is more snarky, neither were in my repertoire the first few years I was here. Back then, I would say something along the lines of how I came here for a fresh start, or to begin a new life, a change of pace, or something equally cliché, but certainly more optimistic, all while hoping it wouldn't lead to any follow up questions about my life story. Perhaps in the future, if questioned, I'll simply direct them to this blog, where they can read about it all on their own time. And, please subscribe.
So why the shift? What changed my perception of Vegas from the magical wild west, where anything is possible, all dreams can be achieved, and I can be whoever I want, to dreary desert wasteland, adorned with middle America's celebration of mediocrity? Obviously the year 2020 was a major catalyst for many changes, but I cant pinpoint any one specific moment that turned the tides. There's nothing I saw that changed the way I think. Rather, at some point, the way I was thinking, changed the way I saw the things around me. It changed the way I saw myself in relation to my surroundings. And for the past year, there was certainly no shortage of time to ruminate on all things inward and outward.
As much as my angst might build, I strive to avoid thinking in terms of regret. Whatever decisions I made or whatever my gut reactions to the world around me have been, they were mine. Each step, whether taken methodically or by swift instinct, were taken honestly, in shoes that I laced myself. I don't see myself running home in defeat. I'm not beaten, and that sure ain't no tail between my legs. I am older. My hair may be thinner and there's certainly a few more lines in my face. But with a little luck, I've gained the wisdom to match. So, when the time comes for me to lace my shoes, for the last time in this town, I'll do it with confidence and purpose, and I'll know that I've grown.